Tomorrow?

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 06:13:45 GMT

Its been so long since my last post. I guess ive slowly lost the gist of this thing, so much has happened. ive been to hospital, Ive tried to off myself so often that im losing count. i really do want to die. I'm wasting air for other people. People who really do want to be here. Thats hardly fair.

Im not strong enough

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 23:42:50 GMT

Alright, i guess i better say it.t hat way i can stop avioding the truth. I want to cut again, i dont have the strength to stop. I dont have to stop, theres nothing wrong with it. Cutting is a way of dealing with life not escaping it.

I dont wanna hurt my friends i really dont but its hurting me, so god damned much. everyday i go without it is hurting me so much more than any physical pain could.

I cant stay clean anymore.
I just cant.

feeding my addiction

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 01:09:35 GMT

Its been a while since ive managed to post something, maybe because lifes been a bit busy and hectic or maybe because ive been putting it off for some reason. Im not sure but lots has happened that i need to get down on paper.
I was admited to a Youth Mental Health Service for a week so i could be weened off my Aropax, it sucked a lot. I had a bit of a downwards spiral and i tried to cut again (it gets difficult when people take all sharp objects off you) ive got a couple of new, ugly scars on my arm from digging into my skin with blunted objects and i hit my head on a brickwall until i almost passed out. Later that night we went out somewhere and poor old me was left with a freaken bag of peas on my head!
While i was in the "ward" i developed a crush on one of the guys, something that according to the two other girls i lived with is quite common. One of them kept coming back because she liked one of the staff! i put it down to feeling lonley and not good enough for anybody and just wanting to have people to depend on.
Other than that i guess life has been pretty good to me, ive made plans with friends. hung out with my best mates. enjoying the holidays.
this was meant to be a long post but i lost my mojo
xx
happy hanz :)

something to do

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 07:57:02 GMT

im on a bus thats running about half an hour late, with about ten minutes of battery power left on my laptop, about the same left on my ipod and even less on my phone so im pretty pissed right now. My leg hurts which also adds to the overal shittyness of everything because i think one of my cuts is getting infected which normally doesnt happen to me cause i normally have clean blades on me but since my friend made me throw them all out i used a pair of sissiors that were pretty dirty and yuck, the after effects were the last things on my mind at that point in time.
im so pissy and my batterys running out so ill finish this tomorrow, hopefully with an added photo of my new tattoo?

Im weak

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 08:03:07 GMT

Today i did it again, i couldnt help it and id done so well. Six whole days, for those of you out there who dont do it six days may not sound like a lot but for me it is. Its a habbit, like smoking and its hard to break.
I had a pretty good reason to cut again, my heart was broken when i found out the first boy i had ever been in love with was murdered in the back of a police van by a stupid guy who i want to personally shoot in the back of the head, not once but seventeen times, one for every year of his age.

Going Crazy

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 20:16:52 GMT

Two days without my Aropax and i can feel the withdrawl symptoms already kicking in, i feel pysically sick to the stomach and my heads racing, i have no energy and my skins burning. 0_o
I think im going to take my meds this morning, somewhere inside me i know i should but i just feel like being myself. No iducing happy-ness or any of that crap i just wanna be Madam Screw up by myself, i think i mess up less when im straight.
So ill go take that Aropax and tell you how long before i feel human again. So while i wait for that to kick in i guess i should talk about something. Not that it would matter to you, its just keeping me busy and thats what i need even if i dont have the freaken engery. Im talking to a girl i hate, just so im not lonley, we had a big fight when she offered to sleep with my Boyfriend. It sucked, we used to be pretty much best friends. I guess thats what happens at High School, people screw you over and i apparently messed her up pretty bad in return.
Yeah thats right, shes the one that offered my boyfriend sex but somehow she managed to pin the blame on me. It was all my fault, like normal. Are you starting to see why i am the one-and-only madam screw up?
Im being nice, asking her about exams which went shitty for me. I was having a downer over them and the constant battle to stay alive seemed a bit more important than a grade. Over those two weeks i cut again, pretty bad this time and my friend found me, blood on the bathroom floor at like 11.30 pm and we had a good cry together. I tried to throw myself of a ledge and i different friend found me and wouldnt let me go for ages and then i drank nailpolish removerer and went downstairs for water cause it hurt so much and found the friend that stoped me from jumping off the ledge crying because i had screamed at her. I started crying too and when somebody asked me what was wrong i got into this big speal about what a screw up i was, all my friends are really suspicios and everytime i say i did something wrong theyre like oh crap, what have you done to yourself this time?
So i ended up with the Matron from my hostel holding my hand and sitting with me for ages when she should have been doing her job, it sucks. Making all these people sad but i cant help it and find it hard when they dont understand that i am trying to get better, its just a lot harder than it looks.
Im pretty open about whats going on with me to my friends so they are kept up to date, none of them know that at the moment i have a plan, the only person who knows that is my support person from the Youth Mental Health Services and he cant say anything to anybody so im pretty sweet.
I like keeping secrets, it makes me feel powerful. I think the meds are starting to make a difference, i dont feel as sick anymore. I hope im better by 11, im meeting a friend. Weve been friends since we were little kids and seeing her is going to be so great for me.
Being with friends makes me feel safe because i dont want to hurt them so i try a lot harder than what i do when im at home, or worse when im alone cause thats when things really turn bad. Its so weird, im not alloud Panadol because of my OD a few months ago, im not alloud sharp objects because i cut, im not alloud nailpolish remover and im not alloud to be alone. My life is so restrictive but i dont think that will change, even if i get better.
Ive started to realise that i will never be normal, i will always have bi-polar and i will always have my horrible ups and downs that drive me litterally crazy. thats if im always alive, which i wont be. I know one of these days im going to top myself, I cant help it. When i get into one of those moods i loss control, my life is not in my hands.
Im getting another Tattoo, its a list of all the things i get from my friendships in a spiral between my shoulder blades, if everything goes to plan ill get it on Monday. i hope like heck i get it on monday, im so excited about it.
On a normal teen issue im peeling on my shoulder and im scared that my tattoo will get wreaked so watch this space for how it goes. i think it should be ok but you never know with these things, it would be just my luck for it to peel right off and out of my life. i know thats not ganna happen. well i guess there is a first time for everything.
I hope i stop peeling by monday, i shouldnt have got sunburnt but im so pale i always do. My friends could be out in the sun for twice the time i am with half the clothes but ill be the one who gets burnt, and peels and stuff and theyll all come back tan and pretty.
I love this song, it makes me want to dance but i might not, considering im in a towel. i will however turn it up and sing along. see somewhere inside me is a normal teenage girl. I just have to find her and bring her out, maybe shes shy.
Love ya all, well anybody who reads all my crap is worth loving.
Madam Screw up
xx

Screw up

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 07:52:09 GMT

So here i am, sitting in front of a computer crying and adding to the growing pile of tissues beside me. I should have got new meds before they ran out, im a mess without them. I think i just really hurt one of my friends, really bad and i cant take any of it back.
For now on, just call me screw up cause thats all i manage to do. Madam Screw up, at ur service. I just woke my friend up, told him how much he was hurting me, what an evil cow. How could i do that to him? I was so horrible!
Im scared im going to lose him now, its not fair. Hes my Best friend! I cant be without him, i just cant. The distance already drives me crazy, and the fact i have like the worlds biggest crush on him doesnt help, it gets him into crap with him partner all the time and makes me feel so unwanted and unloved.
He loves me, he tells me all the time but its not enough i need more than that, Which is pathetic and sad of me and i should just get over it. I dont think i have the strength without him.
That sounds really pathetic and weak and dad just got home from being away for a week so i better go see him, be the happy little perfect daughter that he wants. Ill finish this update a bit later.
So long anybody who reads,
Screw up.
xx

Did u take ur meds?

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 06:39:16 GMT

So this morning i didnt take my meds, i was out. Its not like forgot or did it on purpose and yes i blame the lack of Happy educing drugs running through my body for my bad day.
Everything seems to be going wrong and i cant work out how to right it all. It seems like everybody in the world is conspiring agaisnt me, i know the world isnt out to get me but it feels like it.
My support person from the Youth mental Health services didn't want me at home alone tonight and i trusted him not to tell Dad, i could organise something if i wanted, but he called him and now Dad's rushing back from his week away for work so that im not at risk.
if i really wanted to i could still do stuff with Dad home, i know it would break his heart but i could still do it. Its not like having another person in the house is going to change that. Cant people see that?
I guess anybody reading this is going to think im a teenager that just wants attention and the lime light, yeah. sure thats it. Thats all it is, i wish it was as easy as that.
Those people havnt seen me when ive had a really bad week, or month as it sometimes goes. Those people dont see the stuff that happens to my body, sometimes because of what i did and sometimes because of what i didnt do.
Yeah ok, so i could get better, and im trying. thats what this is about, venting all my anger and stuff in a healthy way. It should help, so should the support person, the medication and friends i have. I know people love me now and thats why im trying to change. Its just, sometimes i find it hard to see why people love me.
I always feel a little second best to some people, like im the backup plan, the best bet when your ditched and need a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. yeah thats what i am the nice friend that is always there when you need her.
I take on everybodys isses and it weights me down, i care a lot about people. Just not myself i guess, i wonder if i could change that? Maybe that is going to be part of me getting better. This is all so new to me i dont know what im getting myself into.
Some days i wanna get off the drugs, just be straight and happy without Aropax to keep me strong but i read up on the withdrawl symptons and those scare the crap out of me, a lot more than being controlled by medication does.
I guess the medication is controlling me these days, but its good because it stops my friends and family and all those people around me from getting hurt, i dont care what Bi-polar does to me, i dont know if i ever will. I care what it does to all those around me.
I have the golden touch, except everything i touch seems to wither and die. Which as you would amagine pretty much sucks. I see my friends get down and sad because of stuff ive done to myself and in one hand it makes me want to stop, right then and make it all better but in the other hand it makes me want to do it better, to get the job done and to leave them cause they would all be better off without me.
I cant beleive im writing all this down, its a bit scary. Watching my fingers go crazy, they seem to be dancing across the keyboard with a direct line to my brain. Does it work that way? maybe i should ask a doctor next time i see one, which wont be long. I seem to live in a doctors office.
Im not sure if i should write about myself personally, i cant work out what to write. All i define myself by these days my up days and my down days. Its probably not the best but its better than being a wallflower. I think.
If anybody walked into the room right now they would be able to tell i was thinking hard, my hairs pushed back out of my face and im trying to block out everything thats happening. The hurt wont get blocked out and at this very point in time there seems to be a lot of that.
im always scared to tell people how i feel, when i tell them im depressed they ask for details and its as if i go over an invisable line and they back off, they get scared of getting hurt and leave me. That way they dont put there hearts on the line. I would probably do something like that too, even now that i know how it feels i dont think id want to be friends with a girl like me.
I get clingy, when i know ive got a really great person that is willing to be my friend, i dont wanna let them go cause i know that the second i spiral they wont want me around anymore and being alone scares the heck out of me.
well thats about all i write at the moment,
Ill probably write another entry in like five minutes
but thats ok, atleast im getting it out.
Bipolar16